I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
