It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
