ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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