Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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