you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
