I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
