turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The convent might be a nice break from real life
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
