My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
