I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
