I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
