Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
