FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
