Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
