dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
