i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
