New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
