clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
