Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
