the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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