do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
time to smoke my breakfast
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
