you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
