There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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