Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
