my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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