I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
