I wish I only lived at night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
