Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
