remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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