Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
