Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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