It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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