you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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