There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
