woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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