So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
