thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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