Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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