he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
