the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
