I wish my penis had an off switch
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i believe in u and ur pee
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
