I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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