I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
