My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
