I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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