I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
