I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
