i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
