I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
