one might say we're banned from that church
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
