when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
